Here’s some crappy news headlines in the brief not worthy of being their own newsworthy articles. Feel free to comment on any of these scorchers.
• Courtney Love slimmed down thanks to colonics, fasting, and a diet of fish and macrobiotic foods. Her flapping, aged, rubbery skin looks like a melting white chocolate candy bar.
• Corey Haim and Corey Feldman will be reprising their roles “The Lost Boys 2.” Maybe it should be “Who Gives A F*ck About These Ass Clowns 2″.
• Britney Spears is going ever-crazier. In her current child custody battle, Kaplan was asked if the Federline is worried about his kids being in danger, Kaplan said simply, “Kevin is concerned that the more time the children are with him, he feels the more insulated they are from risks that would otherwise be possibly visited upon them.”
• Mary-Kate Olsen will make out with Ben Kingsley in their new movie. That’s the old guy that played Ghandi. He has got to be over 60, and she early 20’s. It is rumored that Acadameny Award winning Kingsley keeps messing up the scene, stuttering, forgetting lines so he gets to tongue wrestle with the star. They are allegedly on Take 178 and ran out of film twice.
• PBDEs have been linked to thyroid disease in domestic cats. They are commonly found on furniture cushions, electronics, mattresses and carpet padding. Sounds like pet terrorism if you ask me.
• Priscilla Presley talks about meeting Elvis at age 14. She was in Germany (parents were stationed there) and Elvis really missed home. Possible pedo this… possible pedo that…. creepy creepy, would be arrested in this day and age….true love…blah blah blah.
• A 67-year-old New Jersey woman died while waiting to pay her respects at Elvis’ grave. At first they thought her stench was just a full diaper.
• NYPD is concerned about radical Islamic groups activities on the Internet.This sounds like a job for Cyber-Robocop!
• A monkey has escaped from a Mississippi zoo for the second time. Boy the KKK is having a field day with this headline.
• Car and truck bombs killed nearly 500 people in Iraq yesterday. But more importantly, Lindsay Lohan is constipated.
• NASA experts are waiting one more day to decide whether they will fix damage to the Endeavor’s hull. If NASA does order repairs, a spacewalk will occur Friday. I have been trying to find the Vegas odds on this, but it seems like no one wants my action.
• Teachers in England are wearing kevlar-reinforced uniforms. Seems like the C02 cartridged-lead-spitball-launcher has really taken off with the kiddies today.
• OJ Simpson’s “If I Did It” will be released soon. Kinda funny, there’s only 10,000 places you can download for free on the internet. It’s been available for 3 months.
• The latest generation of roller coasters can raise your heart rate to dangerous levels. Also the doody that fills your underwear will reach dangerous levels too.
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