Celebrity Breakups Of 2006
Here’s a recap of all the celebrity breakups, just in case you were sleeping.
Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe: She broke up with him due to him having a substance abuse problem. I would be getting high too if my wife’s career outshined mine and after seeing your wife’s penis in Boys Don’t Cry.
David and Pamela Hasselhoff : 16 years of marriage and the Hoff allegedly was violent against his wife. Rule #1, don’t mess with the Hoff. He’s HUGE in Germany. That and 99 cents gets you a KFC value snacker.
Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora: This was a big mess with Denise Richards, alot of hacked emails, lies, and wife stealing. I have to side with Heather Locklear…she’s a class act and needs to stay away from greesy rockstars. But going to a David Spade….man o man.
Lance Armstrong and Sheryle Crow : Everyone puts this cyclist on a huge pedistal for his work for nut cancer, but as soon as Sheryl was diagnosed with cancer….he left her high and dry. And this was after he left his wife after a very long marriage. You can stick your yellow bracelet up your hemroided ass, Lance.
Phil and Orianne Collins : He’s in his mid 50s and she in her 30’s. She’s smoking hot and he is not. Don’t marry a hotty if you can’t keep up with her Phil.
Eminem and Kim Mathers : They got divorced a second time this year…I hope Eminem writes some more nasty songs about her…they are always funny. I hope Hailie’s ok through all this.
Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz : Who wants to follow Tom Cruise and Matt (no shirt wearing) McConaughey . She’s running out of A List celebrities to try and trap. Move on Matt, you owe it to all the men out there that hate your good looks.
Paul and Heather Mcartney : This one legged freak show won the powerball lottery taking half of poor Paul’s 1/2 billion dollars. She is a nasty bitter woman, airing out her dirty laundry in the press. 4 years of marriage….my God there needs to be divorce reform.
Selma Blair and Ahmet Zappa : “Thank You For Smoking” star Selma Blair divorced musician-husband Zappa (late rocker Frank Zappa). Not too much details on this one…because no one cares.
Alanis Morissette and Ryan Reynolds : They were a fun couple engaged for two years. They were both Canadian and thought that would be enough to make it last. I hope when I run my hand down someone else’s back, I hope you feel it….you you you outta know!
Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson : After 6 years of marriage the dirty rocker from the Black Crowes and the sweet Kate Hudson break up. She allegedly is with Owen Wilson now. Owen, wear a rubber man… that rocker guy probably is not too clean man.
Prince and Manuela Testolina : After 5 years of marriage, the second wife of Prince is over like it’s 1999. She met him when she worked at his charitable foundation. Now he will be donating charity alimony to her. I think it’s great news… Prince will need to tour more to keep her in the lifestyle she has grown accustomed to.
Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro : They had a crappy MTV show called, ‘Til Death Do Us Part’. Well they both look like death, in my opinion, so the fat lady is singing. They are both a bunch of dirties.
Matt LeBlanc and Melissa McKnight : 3 years of marriage, and a two year old daughter. Matt publically apologized for his contact with a stripper in Canada…classic work Joey.
Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook : Former supermodel Christie, after a failed marriage with Billy Joel, now gets a divorce with Peter Cook. Looks like ole Peter was cheating on her with a 19 year old girl. Note to supermodels…don’t get too old.
Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler : Rocker Travis Barker filed from divorce from Playmate Shanna Moaker…he cheated on her with Paris Hilton. After seeing this skid, I wouldn’t even touch Paris if she soaked in rubbing alcohol for a week. What a poster boy for dirty-needles.
Jude Law and Sienna Miller : This has been a roller coaster ride with Jude cheating with the nanny (hahahaha). I am sick of seeing this guy in every movie, and can’t stand his smug accent.
Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe : This marriage seemed like it was really working out with 7 years of marriage and two kids. Ryan allegedly was cheating, and was quoted as saying, “I am not a perfect person, but I am not guilty of alot of the things I am accused of doing.”
Chris Rock and Malaak Rock : Chris is probably hitting mad ass right now. I can see him touring just to get get more ho’s in different area codes.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline : Two years of marriage and seven thousand news headlines later, this white trash duo had no chance. It now sounds like Britney was cheating (allegedly) on poor poor poor Kfed. Good riddens to this garbage.
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock : Seems like Borat broke this couple up, which is one of the funniest things I heard this year. Kid Rock seems like an insecure little puppy dog and Pamela isn’t ready to settle down. Party on Pam, party on………
Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl : This gay duo, boy band singer and ‘Amazing Race’ contestant break up. For both of them it’s now raining men, Hallelujah.
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn : This spoiled brat couldn’t keep Brad happy now she tries to ruin a man’s man like Vince Vaughn. I respect the hell out of Vince for not getting dragged into a dead end street. I surprised she didn’t go crying on Oprah again like a b*tch.
That’s all folks, unless something crazy happens in the next couple days. I am sure there will be many more Celebrity Breakups in 2007.